Give It One More Day
Trigger warning: This post contains content regarding suicide and self-harm which may be triggering to certain audiences. Please skip to the resources at the bottom if you would like to avoid specific mentions of suicide- and self-harm-related narratives. Protect your peace.
Alt text: Chrystelle is sitting on a swing, in a woodsy park area wearing a bright red turtleneck sweater, black faux leather leggings, a yellow gold tortoise watch, a black and white turban, tortoise frame glasses, gold hoop earrings and dark red lipstick.
I am well aware that today is the last day of Suicide Awareness Month, but here I am, confidently sharing this piece on the last day of September. It’s been hard for me to get anything out sooner because September and discussions of suicide are still a bit triggering for me. I’ve previously written about how I triumphed over suicide, but today I want to share a little more deeply about the difficulty of battling suicidal ideations.
My experience with suicidal ideations were severe at two stages of my life: in high school and three years ago. Both times I felt guilty about the intrusive thoughts I was experiencing. Three years ago, however, I was also experiencing self-blame and anger. I was angry that I was ‘in this place again.’ Additionally, because I had sought out various forms of counseling and therapy during my high school years, I felt I could have avoided ‘getting to this place’ if I was successfully implementing the tools I had learned from my high school therapy. The combination of self-blame, anger, and suicidal ideations eventually became suffocating. One day, I finally decided to confide in my psychiatrist; and, she stepped into action immediately. Shoutout to black women psychiatrists, by the way!
Going to the psychiatric emergency facilities that day was among the top five scariest things I have done as an adult, but it likely saved my life. I had been to a psychiatric emergency room a few times for evaluations in high school, but this was very different. Three years ago, when my mental health care providers would ask me if I was feeling unsafe or at risk to myself, I got into the habit of answering “no.” I said yes this time because I felt that if I was not at my breaking point that day, I was incredibly close enough. This meant that if my day got any worse after leaving my doctor’s office, tragedy would ensue. To some that may sound dramatic, but for some of us who have experienced chronic periods of dark and intrusive thoughts, we know that the pain from each day often carries over and piles on. The load is heavy and battling your thoughts and carrying your load becomes a tiresome routine that some eventually can no longer continue. Before arriving at the help needed, some find themselves unable to take another step forward.
Seeking help and reaching out is never easy amidst the pain and loneliness one experiences while suicidal. Folks often use phrases like ‘let me know what you need”, ‘call me if you ever need to talk’, and ‘i’m here for you’, just to name a few. Although, I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of those statements, I have caught myself saying one of these or a variation of these statements to friends of mine who have confided in me. While we mean well when when we say it, we must understand that for an individual who may be in crisis (or nearing one) it is never easy to ‘reach out’ especially to a loved one because you may feel burdensome, afraid, guilty, embarrassed, etc. I know firsthand that with the intrusive thoughts blaring in your mind, they are often yelling statements like: ‘this is too much’, ‘you can’t do this anymore’, ‘you are alone’, ‘no one loves you’, or ‘no one would care if you stayed or left.’ The volume of those negative thoughts often drowns out the words of loved ones or providers, reminding you to reach out. This is why it is important to do the reaching out sometimes if you have a friend or loved one who you know experiences suicidal ideations or has opened up to you about struggling with their mental health. It may also be worth reaching out to loved ones who are normally engaging who suddenly become less engaging, or for the opposite, it could be a cry for help. Know the signs.
THIS is a reminder or a sign that you should reach out if you are experiencing intrusive thoughts or suicidal ideations or if you know someone who may experience suicidal ideations, or just someone who has gone radio silent it’s time to check in. If you don’t have anyone in mind that you can reach out to, please call (800) 273-TALK or text: “TRIBE” to 741741 if you don’t feel like talking. If you’re out of the U.S., check the resource section below for more information.
Checking in or reaching out for a helping hand could make all of the difference. A couple of weeks ago, I came across a Tumblr post from the late Jasmine Waters aka JasFly, a black screenwriter of work such as “This is Us.” I heard of her passing in June of this year on “The Read” podcast as KidFury mentioned her being a big contributor to him being on the podcast. Ironically, this month I would stumble across a now cryptic Tumblr post that she made after Robin Williams’s death. It had resurfaced after her passing. I found her twitter. Jas, as she was often called, was really struggling with her anxiety and being in quarantine. She was openly tweeting about it from time to time while of course sharing her many quarantine cooking dishes in between. In her Tumblr post Jas reflects on the shock that Robin’s death has left her in, reflects on her past suicide attempt, and discusses how she had learned to live with her depression. In summary: taking it one day at a time. This is why the quote below hurts so much because it makes me wonder if she was in too much pain that day in June to remind herself that it may have been another bad day and she just needed to reach out to someone. R.I.P. JasFly.
“These days depression is apart of my life much [like] dieting. It’s an exercise in discipline. Once every four or five months I’ll have one really tough day where it’ll feel like my entire life is going to hell. It’s in those moments where I evoke the emergency response part of myself that’s ready to remind me that I’m not having a bad life, just a bad day. Then I wait it out. Or if I can’t, I call someone. More than anything I’ve learned there is no shame in simply saying, ‘I need some help’ or ‘I’m having a tough time’ or ‘I just need to hear a friendly voice.’ I’m human. And thankfully, so is everyone else.
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I can’t help but wish he’d remembered that he wasn’t having a bad life. Just one last bad day.”
Like Jas, I have a similar technique for battling my depression and anxiety, “give it one more day.” I challenge myself, even on the worst possible days, even when I am at my lowest points to seek someone out, take my dog for a walk, watch a funny cartoon, or do anything to distract me from the pain and my thoughts. I remind myself that I just need to make it to bedtime and get some rest because the journey is indeed tiring. Carrying a painful load while literally combatting thoughts in your own voice is exhausting. I challenge myself to give tomorrow another chance to be a bit better. Seeing the next day also means, if I am in crisis that next day, it is another day I have the chance to give myself another shot and reach out to someone who loves me. Let someone be there for me. If I can’t like, I couldn’t three years ago, it means finding the courage to seek out professional help to do whatever it takes to stay alive for me. I challenge anyone who may experience a dark or intrusive thought, give yourself another day to fight. It’s so hard, but there are people who love you and/or who are trained who can help you work through this time.
Let’s check out a few resources!
Ready for a quick Therapy for Black Girls resource overload?
Check out Scottie Beam’s convo on coping with suicidal ideations with Dr. Joy from Therapy for Black Girls.
For everyone who asks “how do I check in with a suicidal friend or loved one?” Here’s a great podcast episode that you should checkout. One of the hosts, Money, a licensed therapist, shared practical tips for checking in with a suicidal loved one. Check out “QueerWOC” the podcast, the “Out @ Werq” episode, timestamp: ~16:18-29:18 for the specific recommendations on how to ask a loved one if they are feeling suicidal and where to go from there.
If you are in the U.S., please call the suicide prevention hotline if you or someone you know needs immediate assistance: (800) 273–8255 or text the word “tribe” to 741741. For additional numbers, including text lines, please check out the resource section of my Medium post.